All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is
one of my long time favorites)
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Steven Wright
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -- Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -- Steven Wright
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-- Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -- Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. -- Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour. -- Steven Wright
I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
-- Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Steven Wright
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
-- Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
-- Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-- Steven Wright
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?" I said, "yes". -- Steven Wright
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. -- Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. -- Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice. -- Steven Wright
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. -- Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list. -- Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
-- Steven Wright
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded. -- Steven Wright
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
-- Steven Wright
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
-- Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
-- Steven Wright
The sky already fell. Now what? -- Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
-- Steven Wright
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't
see any forests. -- Steven Wright
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
-- Steven Wright
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare? -- Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
like that all the time. -- Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere. -- Steven Wright
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually... -- Steven Wright
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
-- Steven Wright
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
-- Steven Wright
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. -- Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
-- Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
-- Steven Wright
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all
day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. -- Steven Wright
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. -- Steven Wright
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you
making?" "A salt lick." -- Steven Wright
There aren't enough days in the weekend. -- Steven Wright
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. -- Steven Wright
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
-- Steven Wright
The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards. -- Steven Wright
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. -- Steven Wright
Is "tired old cliche" one? -- Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
-- Steven Wright
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. -- Steven Wright
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives. -- Steven Wright
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
-- Steven Wright
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
was none of my business. -- Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back. -- Steven Wright
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence. -- Steven Wright
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. -- Steven Wright
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. -- Steven Wright
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done. -- Steven Wright
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough. -- Steven Wright
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum. -- Steven Wright
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
-- Steven Wright
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. -- Steven Wright
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
-- Steven Wright
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." -- Steven Wright
I had my coathangers spayed. -- Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
-- Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa
Claus is missing. -- Steven Wright
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?" -- Steven Wright
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. -- Steven Wright
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I
can ride a unicycle. -- Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out. -- Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. -- Steven Wright
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on
TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." -- Steven Wright
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
-- Steven Wright
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded." -- Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
-- Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
-- Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- Steven Wright
It's a fine night to have an evening. -- Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes. -- Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this. -- Steven Wright
This isn't all true. -- Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
-- Steven Wright
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. -- Steven Wright
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. -- Steven Wright
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?" -- Steven Wright
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says
it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
me. -- Steven Wright
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
-- Steven Wright
What are imitation rhinestones? -- Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
-- Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people? -- Steven Wright
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused. -- Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. -- Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that." -- Steven Wright
"So, do you live around here often?" -- Steven Wright
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually. -- Steven Wright
[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
-- Steven Wright
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... -- Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
-- Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. -- Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it. -- Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
-- Steven Wright
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
"ten-four." -- Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row." -- Steven Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
-- Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator. -- Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators. -- Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping. -- Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
-- Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. -- Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord. -- Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...
my calendar has no sevens on it." -- Steven Wright
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -- Steven Wright
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I
got a lotta calls yesterday." -- Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious! -- Steven Wright
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." -- Steven Wright
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." -- Steven Wright
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real." -- Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs. -- Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. -- Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes. -- Steven Wright
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes. -- Steven Wright
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick. -- Steven Wright
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
-- Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them. -- Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right
here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" -- Steven Wright
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. -- Steven Wright
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
-- Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas,
people behind me stop, and I'm gone. -- Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving. -- Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to
take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica
sounds *amazing*. -- Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast. -- Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
-- Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out. -- Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out." -- Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half
mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was. -- Steven Wright
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired. -- Steven Wright
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it." -- Steven Wright
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..." -- Steven Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
-- Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go." -- Steven Wright
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?" -- Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing. -- Steven Wright
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -- Steven Wright
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. -- Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them. -- Steven Wright
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." -- Steven Wright
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
-- Steven Wright
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." -- Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish. -- Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot. -- Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. -- Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. -- Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody! -- Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... -- Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
-- Steven Wright
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window. -- Steven Wright
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wright
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by. -- Steven Wright