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Thread: Various humor / jokes 151

  1. #11
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    Re: Fireman...

    Remember when your mom would say

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    this is a copy and paste from another site




    Remember when
    your mom would say


    never take candy





    from


    a stranger...

    .... I think this



    is who she



    was talking


    about!!!!!
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  2. #12
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    Re: Fireman...

    The best riddle you will ever read.....



    Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for
    those who are unable to think this one through.

    Here's the riddle:

    At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of
    the earth.

    One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

    The other is getting a blowjob from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

    They are both thinking the exact same thing.

    The Riddle is, What are they both thinking?



















    Don't look down.

    Don't look down.

    Don't look down.
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  3. #13
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    Re: Fireman...

    "I've pulled you over for speeding now The breathalyzer!



    One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

    "I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

    "What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

    "It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

    After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

    "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

    "Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

    "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

    "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

    After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

    "Yes...." replied the officer

    "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

    "Yes" replied the cop.

    "Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

    "What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

    "Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

    So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

    The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  4. #14
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    Re: Fireman...

    9 Months Later...


    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

    So they loaded upJack'sminivan and headed north.

    After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

    They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady whoanswered the door if they could spend the night.

    'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all tomyself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay inmy house.'
    'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

    The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


    But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

    It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that itwas from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

    'Yes, I do..' said Bob

    'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

    'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


    'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

    Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

    'She just died and left me everything


    (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...... you know you smiled ... now keep that smile for the rest of the day!
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  5. #15
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    Re: Fireman...

    As I entered Heaven's door

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I was shocked, confused, bewildered
    As I entered Heaven's door,
    Not by the beauty of it all,
    Nor the lights or its decor.

    But it was the folks in Heaven
    Who made me sputter and gasp--
    The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
    The alcoholics and the trash.

    There stood the kid from seventh grade
    Who swiped my lunch money twice.
    Next to him was my old neighbor
    Who never said anything nice.

    Herb, who I always thought
    Was rotting away in hell,
    Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
    Looking incredibly well.

    I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
    I would love to hear Your take.
    How'd all these sinners get up here?
    God must've made a mistake.

    'And why's everyone so quiet,
    So sombre - give me a clue.'
    'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
    No one thought they'd be seeing you.'
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  6. #16
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    Re: Fireman...

    lost my virginity

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.
    "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
    "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
    "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.
    "The first eight guys felt great, but after them it got really sore."
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  7. #17
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    Re: Fireman...

    Artifacts and gifts

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture. One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only...... cheap Sioux veneers
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  8. #18
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    Re: Fireman...

    Tourette's

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A man walks into a library and asks for a book on Tourette's.
    The librarian says, "**** off, you ****."
    The man says, "Yep, that's the one."
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  9. #19
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    Re: Fireman...

    new born baby

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The sailor came home from a secret year-long mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
    "Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded.
    "No!" his weeping wife replied.
    "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
    "NO!" she said even more upset.
    "Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he yelled.
    "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she screamed.
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  10. #20
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    Re: Fireman...

    Two FLEAS FROM SASKATCHEWAN


    >
    > Two fleas from Saskatchewan had an agreement to meet every
    > winter in Yuma for a vacation.
    >
    > Last year when one flea gets to Yuma , he's all blue,
    > shivering and shaking, nearly froze to death!
    >
    > The other flea asks him, 'What happened to you?'
    >
    > The first flea says, 'I rode down here from Regina ,
    > Saskatchewan in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.'
    >
    > The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst
    > way to travel.
    >
    > Try what I do. Go to the Plains Hotel Bar in Regina . Have
    > a few drinks.
    > While you are there, look for a nice snowbird, crawl up her
    > leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the
    > best way to travel that I can think of.'
    >
    > The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give
    > it a try next winter.
    >
    > A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Yuma ,
    > he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Nearly
    > froze to death.
    >
    > The second flea says, 'Didn't you try what I told
    > you?'
    >
    > 'Yes,' says the first flea, 'I did exactly as
    > you said ... I went to the Plains bar. I had a few drinks.
    > Finally, this nice young snowbird came in. I crawled right
    > up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I
    > fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the
    > mustache of the guy on the Harley.
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

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