Various humor / jokes 151

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

Re: Fireman...

we can't do it here

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A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look." Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach." After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week.
Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me." The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this ***** making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."

Re: Fireman...

40 things you would like to say at work

40 things you would like to say at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humour... but different

Re: Fireman...

A wise old Biker...











A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Re: Fireman...

Self naming















A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an

Attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is "Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things
I like most -- cars and men."

"What's Your name?", she asked
He said "B.J. Titsengolf"

Re: Fireman...

These classified were really put in the paper - a smile for your day


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!


FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.



FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.



COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.



JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.



WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.



And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Re: Fireman...

Do you have...

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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

Re: Fireman...

God Will Help Me

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There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then left.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim said, "That's okay."

The woman said, "Are you sure?"

Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

Re: Various humor / jokes

Theory in Hell

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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

Re: Fireman...

Slow Down!

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One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. "Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time." Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you?" "I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."

Re: Fireman...

Remember when your mom would say

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this is a copy and paste from another site




Remember when
your mom would say


never take candy





from


a stranger...

.... I think this



is who she



was talking


about!!!!!

Re: Fireman...

The best riddle you will ever read.....



Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for
those who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of
the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting a blowjob from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

The Riddle is, What are they both thinking?



















Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Don't look down.

Re: Fireman...

"I've pulled you over for speeding now The breathalyzer!



One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

Re: Fireman...

9 Months Later...


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded upJack'sminivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady whoanswered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all tomyself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay inmy house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that itwas from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do..' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...... you know you smiled ... now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

Re: Fireman...

As I entered Heaven's door

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I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why's everyone so quiet,
So sombre - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

Re: Fireman...

lost my virginity

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A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.
"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.
"The first eight guys felt great, but after them it got really sore."

Re: Fireman...

Artifacts and gifts

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Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture. One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only...... cheap Sioux veneers

Re: Fireman...

Tourette's

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A man walks into a library and asks for a book on Tourette's.
The librarian says, "**** off, you ****."
The man says, "Yep, that's the one."

Re: Fireman...

new born baby

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The sailor came home from a secret year-long mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded.
"No!" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he yelled.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she screamed.

Re: Fireman...

Two FLEAS FROM SASKATCHEWAN


>
> Two fleas from Saskatchewan had an agreement to meet every
> winter in Yuma for a vacation.
>
> Last year when one flea gets to Yuma , he's all blue,
> shivering and shaking, nearly froze to death!
>
> The other flea asks him, 'What happened to you?'
>
> The first flea says, 'I rode down here from Regina ,
> Saskatchewan in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.'
>
> The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst
> way to travel.
>
> Try what I do. Go to the Plains Hotel Bar in Regina . Have
> a few drinks.
> While you are there, look for a nice snowbird, crawl up her
> leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the
> best way to travel that I can think of.'
>
> The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give
> it a try next winter.
>
> A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Yuma ,
> he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Nearly
> froze to death.
>
> The second flea says, 'Didn't you try what I told
> you?'
>
> 'Yes,' says the first flea, 'I did exactly as
> you said ... I went to the Plains bar. I had a few drinks.
> Finally, this nice young snowbird came in. I crawled right
> up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I
> fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the
> mustache of the guy on the Harley.