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Thread: Various humor / jokes 151

  1. #1
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    Various humor / jokes 151

    A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

    "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

    When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

    "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
    Last edited by CASPER; December 21st, 2010 at 02:15 PM.
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  2. #2
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    Re: Fireman...

    we can't do it here

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look." Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach." After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week.
    Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me." The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this ***** making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  3. #3
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    Re: Fireman...

    40 things you would like to say at work

    40 things you would like to say at work

    1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

    3. How about never? Is never good for you?

    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

    6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

    8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

    10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

    11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

    14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

    17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

    18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

    19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

    20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

    21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

    22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

    23. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

    24. Do I look like a people person?

    25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

    27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

    33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

    34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

    37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

    39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

    40. Oh I get it... like humour... but different
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  4. #4
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    Re: Fireman...

    A wise old Biker...











    A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

    COLD BEER: $2.00

    HAMBURGER: $2.25

    CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

    CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

    HAND JOB: $50.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

    She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

    "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

    The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

    She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

    The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  5. #5
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    Re: Fireman...

    Self naming















    A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an

    Attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

    "My name is "Carmen," she told him.

    "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

    "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things
    I like most -- cars and men."

    "What's Your name?", she asked
    He said "B.J. Titsengolf"
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  6. #6
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    Re: Fireman...

    These classified were really put in the paper - a smile for your day


    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
    8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!


    FREE PUPPIES
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


    FREE PUPPIES.
    Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
    Father, Super Dog . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.



    FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
    Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
    Better be a big reward.



    COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
    Also 1 gay bull for sale.



    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer £100.



    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
    Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.



    And the best one:

    FOR SALE BY OWNER.
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed,
    Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  7. #7
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    Re: Fireman...

    Do you have...

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

    Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

    The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

    The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

    The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

    "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  8. #8
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    Re: Fireman...

    God Will Help Me

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

    Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

    So, the man in the boat drove off.

    The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

    Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

    The person in the boat then left.

    The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

    Jim said, "That's okay."

    The woman said, "Are you sure?"

    Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

    Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

    Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

    God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  9. #9
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    Re: Various humor / jokes

    Theory in Hell

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

    "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

    With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

    This student got the only A.
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

  10. #10
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    Re: Fireman...

    Slow Down!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

    When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. "Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time." Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you?" "I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."

    Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."
    .






    In a perfect world, our dreams will be fulfilled. There would be no hard work or planning ahead, because everything you want would be given to you. In the real world, where we all live, rewards must be earned. The problem most people have is in the day-to-day details of accomplishment. Accomplishment takes a lot of time, sacrifice and effort, and that’s the real rub for a lot of people. But, as Abraham Lincoln once said, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

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